Journaling Through Grief

Let the words flow through the pen.
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash-found via a Google Search

The grieving process fills us with many different feelings. They dash in and out, some linger for a time, some grip us tightly and some become a part of us. As we grieve, we carry them around with us and often we are overwhelmed. We wonder, "What do I do with these feelings?" We may wish that we could find someone to share each feeling wit us, as well as each story and memory. However, this solution is not always possible.

One of the ways we can identify and express our feelings is through creating and using a personal journal. The purpose of journal writing is to afford ourselves the time to attend to our grief by expressing the feelings we so often keep inside. Our journal may house our innermost thoughts and provide a health release from these emotions. It provides a safe place to express ourselves. It acts as a reflector of what we are experiencing and can give us the stimulation and support which many of us seek from other people.

"While our inner world is chaotic, journaling helps to add structure to our outer world by assisting us in clarifying our thoughts and feelings."

Writing is an effective way of identifying our feelings while sharing them with a "fully accepted friend." This allows us to release our powerful emotions. We can use it as our companion on the long journey of grief, bringing to it our own unique feelings and experiences. While our inner world is chaotic, journaling helps to add structure to our outer world by assisting us in clarifying our thoughts and feelings. 

You may choose to make your own journal or purchasing one at most bookstores. There are also several geared specifically for the grieving person and offer daily guides to journaling. When journaling, you may simply jot down feelings, or you may wish to write a narrative. Some have found it helpful to write daily letters to their loved one or to their God or Higher Power. In addition to your feelings, you may want to include drawings of your own or illustrations from magazines and articles. Helpful or inspirational quotations you hear or read may also be incorporated into your journal.

Over time, you may find that journaling has been very therapeutic in helping you move through your grieving process. Remember, it is your unique journal. You bring to it who you are.

~ 

Journaling Through Grief was penned by Tensie Holland, LSW, CT and appeared in the Spring, 2019 newsletter "About Grief" A Publication of Hospice of the Western Reserve. 

The Grieving Person's Bill of Rights

Griever's Bill of Rights Poster-created by Brittany Bilyeu of RefugreinGrief.com

It is important to remember that each and everyone grieves the loss of a loved one in their own way and time. Grief is not something that has a time schedule or a time frame. 

And that's okay.  

Today, we wanted to share with all of you Dr. Alan Wolfelt's Grieving Person's Bill of Rights, as a way to help those who grieve to know what their rights are. But also, so that other family members and friends of someone who is grieving, can understand as well. 

1 You have the right to experience your own unique grief. 
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, do not allow them to tell you what you should or should not be feeling. 

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgemental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without conditions. 

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. 
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do. 

5. You have the right to experience grief "attacks." 
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out. 

6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you that rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen. 

7. You have the right to search for meaning.
You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for cliched responses. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

8. You have the right to treasure your memories. 
Memories are one of the best legacies you can have after the death of someone loved. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

9. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.  

Anger as a Part of Grief

Pain 
In memory of Pierre Gareau
~By François Milhomme

When we normally think of grief, we readily associate it with feelings of sadness, loneliness, even feelings of guilt.

Yet grief involved many reactions: thoughts, behaviors, physical reactions as well as feelings. And anger is one of those feelings. We may be angry with everyone who comes close. Anita was like that. When her husband died, she found she was angry with everyone-her children for calling too much or not enough, her friends for perceived slights, almost anyone who, as she said it, moved into her sight. 

Others may focus that anger, directing it to one person, or a small group of people. 

Fred, for example, was angry at his sisters-in-law. When his wife lay dying, they would still sneak her cigarettes. Lori was furious at her son's doctors, convinced that earlier diagnosis or more effective treatments might have saved her son's life. 

And, though it may be hard to admit it, we may even be angry with the person who died. Fred realized that. Though he called his wife a saint, he hated the fact that she continued to smoke, long after earlier scares and dire warnings. He knew deep down that he held some anger towards her.

Sometimes the anger is cosmic. We are angry with God for what has happened. 

"...The problem with anger is not that it is not natural but that it may interfere with support just when we need it most..."

Often times anger turns inward. We become angry with ourselves-blaming ourselves for our actions, for the loss. That anger becomes expressed as guilt. 

In fact, anger can come out in many ways. We may be sullen and withdrawn or snap at others around us. We may focus the anger at one person, a few individuals, or sometimes with just about everyone we meet. Karen, for example, would become furious with anyone who simply wished her a good day - complaining of the insensitivity and failure to acknowledge her loss and her pain. 

The problem with anger, even though it is a natural reaction, is that it may interfere with support just when we need it most. Our anger may drive others away. Unwilling to face our fury, they avoid us. And this fuels the anger, creating a dangerous destructive cycle where we become increasingly isolated. 

The first step is dealing with anger is that we need to analyze it. What are we really angry at? Is our anger appropriate to what actually occurred? How did we handle that anger? How is it affecting our health and relationships? Are there more appropriate ways to express that anger?

One key to dealing with anger is understanding that it is a normal reaction, exploring the sources of anger, and then finding appropriate ways to channel that anger so that it does not negatively affect our own health or relationships. In some cases, anger can be channelled into worthwhile legal or social action. For example, persons who have had loved ones die due to drunk driving may channel their anger into groups such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Others use their spirituality or other activities as ways to deal with anger. Each of us needs to find our own way.

One client shared with me that after her child died, she would have "moments of sheer fury." She learned over time to go outside and shout at the sky. "I guess people passing and neighbors thought I was crazy. But the sky seemed to take my fury a lot better than my husband and kids." 

Anger as a Part of Grief was penned by Kenneth J. Doka for the June 2002 issue of Journeys: A Newsletter to Help in Bereavement for the Hospice Foundation of America.  

A Year is a Relative Thing

A year is the period of a planet's revolution around the sun; three hundred and sixty-five days for the earth, longer for some planets, shorter for others. In the life of a bereaved individual, the time period of a year is a relative thing.

On the one hand, survivors often are amazed that so much time has passed since the death. Four seasons weathered; the holiday periods endured. It seems impossible that they have borne the pain for a full twelve months. On the other hand, it may seem that time has not moved at all. Emotions and memories seem fresh.

The news of the death and the ensuing days of confusion and painful decision making seem like only yesterday. And with this perspective, comes a fear that little recovery has taken place at all.

Are you caught in a similar time wrap? Has the passage of time been too quick and too slow? And what is to be done with this first anniversary of the death?  If you are approaching this marker in your bereavement, it is time to take stock of where you have been and where you are heading.

The first death anniversary is a special day for recognizing the loss. I have no doubt that you have been thinking daily about the loss and the change in your life. But this day looms larger than most. It brings back the sadness of the death itself with renewed force sustained by a year of experiencing the full import of the loss.

But the day can also be used as a special day for celebrating the life of the deceased. Grieving stems not from the death itself but from the loss of the person. It is the loss of the laughter, the love and connections past, present and future which we mourn. How can you celebrate the life of your loved one? This is the challenge of the death anniversary. One family I know takes gold balloons to the high school track where their son had competed and let's float the personal message that each had written to him on the balloons. One widow picnics by the lake where she sprinkled her husband's ashes. Another family "celebrates" annually by having dinner together in the new restaurant that the daughter would have enjoyed. Creating a positive ritual that can be either fulfilled alone or shared adds powerful and supportive meaning to the death anniversary.

The death anniversary is also a day for acknowledging the living. This certainly includes you! The last twelve months have been demanding. You have handled your loss in the way you have needed to survive. You deserve to recognize yourself as one who has endured great hardship and to take care of yourself in a way that will ensure your ability to make a new life for yourself.

~A Year is a Relative Thing by Ellen Zinner, PsyD, was taken from HFA's bereavement newsletter Journeys, the "Anniversary" issue. 

Miscarriage 7-23-2016

In a Blog post earlier this week, Martens Funeral Home staff member Courtney Burns wrote a very personal and touching piece on her experiences with miscarriages. In it, she used a beautiful pencil drawing entitled "Miscarriage 7-23-16." We've had several comments about the photo and wanting to know more about the drawing. So for tonight's blog post, this is the story of that drawing.

8-26-12 We're Pregnant :)
Curtis Wiklund

Curtis Wiklund found himself sketching moments in his life with his wife Jordin when she started a "Photo 365" project in 2012. After a complete year of sketching, many of his sketches were of moments of the life he was sharing with Jordin. They were beautiful and spoke volumes to the thousands of people who saw them online via Wiklund's site.

By age 28, Wiklund and Jordin were the proud parents of two beautiful children.

Their lives were about to change with the exciting news that they were expecting for the third time. With a daughter Ellie.

Until they weren't.

Which inspired Wiklund's most talked about sketch of raw emotion of a miscarriage.

"When we [found out] we miscarried, we immediately went into the car. We've experienced sad things on our own, but never a mutual grief that we were sharing a heaviness over." Wiklund shared with WJBD Health News reporter Kelly Terez.  "I couldn't figure out how to word it. I kept trying to describe it, or write it. It was frustrating, so I said, "OK, I'll sketch it. By the time I was done, I had exhausted all my tears. I saw it was more accurate than anything I could've ever written."

It spoke volumes to those who had been in the same place the Wiklund's were in.

After sharing the sketch on Instagram and Facebook, the Wiklund's found that thousands of people were opening up and sharing their own stories of miscarrying. They were surprised by the responses.

Again, from WJBD Health News, "I noticed it was almost like a relief. It was like, 'We can talk about this. Now we can share this.' I think it was healing for people to express and acknowledge their own hurt and not hide behind it. It's easy to have miscarriages perceived that way. It's easy to dismiss them because you haven't had the baby yet, but it's a very real loss. That baby was already a part of our family as soon as we found out we were pregnant." Wiklund said.

But his love for his daughter is ever there.

"I love that her life has meaning. Look at what she's done. In her little life, her story is comforting literally thousands of grieveing parents around the world. But I would rather have her here, with me. At the ultrasound, Jordin has a distinct feeling that our baby was a girl. We named her Ellie. It was a favorite name of ours, that we were saving for a girl. We decided to give it to her, and Jordin looked up its meaning. Ellie means, "God is my light." This was perfect for her and for us. We cling to the hope that we will have much more time with her after this life. As painful as it is to not have her here, we know life is short and what comes after is longer."

"This was the day we found out we miscarried. It's strange to share because it's such a quiet thing. Most don't talk about it. I just didn't know what else to do, but draw on that day. It more accurately journaled how I felt that anything I could write.

I hope by sharing it, those others out there who are quietly hurting, some far worse than we are, are comforted knowing at least, that you are not alone.

More of Curtis Wiklund's work can be viewed at http://drawings365.com/

I Am That One in Four Women!

For the start of Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, Courtney Burns, a member of the Walter Martens & Sons Funeral Home staff has asked us to share her story. 

Miscarriage 7-23-16
Curtis Wiklund

Hello. My name is Courtney Burns. I am a 25 year old, married woman whom has had 3 miscarriages. In light of October being Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, I've decided to share my experience with this, and I'm doing this in hopes to let other women know it happens, it does hurt, but it will be okay-there is hope for us.

~My Story~

          I'll never forget the first time that my husband and I found out we were expecting our first child together. It was November, 2015. I was so excited-we had been trying for a long time to conceive. I posted it on Facebook-I wanted to share the news with everyone.

Unfortunately, our excitement didn't last long.

Roughly the second week of December, I had my first miscarriage.

It was a horrible feeling. One I've never felt before in my life. My doctor explained that with first time pregnancies, it is common to miscarry early on in a pregnancy. I was only five weeks along, but I felt a little better knowing that this was common, but it still didn't take all the pain away.

A few months down the road, I once again had great news-I was pregnant again. This time, my husband and I were not getting over excited for the fear that we would miscarry again. We didn't post it on Facebook. This time, we were going to give it more time before we announced it to everyone, other than close friends and relatives.

Once again, I had another miscarriage.

I had no pain, no warning signs, no nothing. It occurred at 3:30AM and I just remember walking into the bedroom and crying and crying. I told my husband it happened again, and I was sorry, he could leave if he wanted. I kept repeating that I hated myself, that I couldn't even carry a baby for my husband, and that I couldn't give my mom and dad grandkids or extend out my family.

With the second miscarriage, I was overwhelmed with hate.

My husband and I found another OB/GYN to go to and explained to her what had been going on. She ran tests and told me I could try to conceive again. At this point in time, my husband and I decided to not try, but to let it happen on its own.

In July of 2016, I once again found out we were expecting. I called my doctor and we spoke. She said "Let's see how it goes. If you make it past five weeks, you should be golden."

My last two were both lost at five weeks.

So my husband and I did what we normally did, went to work, spent time with our family and friends, etcetera. We made it past five weeks. But when I was between my sixth and seventh week, I lost my baby. I was a total wreck. No matter how many times I heard, "I'm so sorry for your loss," it didn't help. In fact it made me upset. Sorry didn't do it and why is anyone else sorry-they didn't take my baby.

My doctor felt horrible too. She told me she doesn't know why I keep miscarrying, and she's referred me to a specialist.

I told her, when I'm ready, I'll call him.

I told my husband I am not trying anymore, and maybe God hates me and that's why I have lost three babies. He tries to make me feel better, it doesn't help completely. He assures me, he'll never leave me because of this.

 I thank God everyday for my husband and my stepson. Because when I look at my stepson, he reminds me that even if I can't ever have a child of my own, I will always have him and no one can take that from me.

In conclusion, keep in mind, this is coming from someone who has had a heart full of hate, discouragement and sadness-you will make it through this and you can, just as long as you remember you are still a mother. Even though you don't have a baby to hold in your arms, you have an angel baby in heaven. And you'll always remember that baby or even babies, you'll remember their birthdays and milestones in life.

From one grieving mother to another, keep your head high and don't give up.