I Am That One in Four Women!

For the start of Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, Courtney Burns, a member of the Walter Martens & Sons Funeral Home staff has asked us to share her story. 

Miscarriage 7-23-16
Curtis Wiklund

Hello. My name is Courtney Burns. I am a 25 year old, married woman whom has had 3 miscarriages. In light of October being Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, I've decided to share my experience with this, and I'm doing this in hopes to let other women know it happens, it does hurt, but it will be okay-there is hope for us.

~My Story~

          I'll never forget the first time that my husband and I found out we were expecting our first child together. It was November, 2015. I was so excited-we had been trying for a long time to conceive. I posted it on Facebook-I wanted to share the news with everyone.

Unfortunately, our excitement didn't last long.

Roughly the second week of December, I had my first miscarriage.

It was a horrible feeling. One I've never felt before in my life. My doctor explained that with first time pregnancies, it is common to miscarry early on in a pregnancy. I was only five weeks along, but I felt a little better knowing that this was common, but it still didn't take all the pain away.

A few months down the road, I once again had great news-I was pregnant again. This time, my husband and I were not getting over excited for the fear that we would miscarry again. We didn't post it on Facebook. This time, we were going to give it more time before we announced it to everyone, other than close friends and relatives.

Once again, I had another miscarriage.

I had no pain, no warning signs, no nothing. It occurred at 3:30AM and I just remember walking into the bedroom and crying and crying. I told my husband it happened again, and I was sorry, he could leave if he wanted. I kept repeating that I hated myself, that I couldn't even carry a baby for my husband, and that I couldn't give my mom and dad grandkids or extend out my family.

With the second miscarriage, I was overwhelmed with hate.

My husband and I found another OB/GYN to go to and explained to her what had been going on. She ran tests and told me I could try to conceive again. At this point in time, my husband and I decided to not try, but to let it happen on its own.

In July of 2016, I once again found out we were expecting. I called my doctor and we spoke. She said "Let's see how it goes. If you make it past five weeks, you should be golden."

My last two were both lost at five weeks.

So my husband and I did what we normally did, went to work, spent time with our family and friends, etcetera. We made it past five weeks. But when I was between my sixth and seventh week, I lost my baby. I was a total wreck. No matter how many times I heard, "I'm so sorry for your loss," it didn't help. In fact it made me upset. Sorry didn't do it and why is anyone else sorry-they didn't take my baby.

My doctor felt horrible too. She told me she doesn't know why I keep miscarrying, and she's referred me to a specialist.

I told her, when I'm ready, I'll call him.

I told my husband I am not trying anymore, and maybe God hates me and that's why I have lost three babies. He tries to make me feel better, it doesn't help completely. He assures me, he'll never leave me because of this.

 I thank God everyday for my husband and my stepson. Because when I look at my stepson, he reminds me that even if I can't ever have a child of my own, I will always have him and no one can take that from me.

In conclusion, keep in mind, this is coming from someone who has had a heart full of hate, discouragement and sadness-you will make it through this and you can, just as long as you remember you are still a mother. Even though you don't have a baby to hold in your arms, you have an angel baby in heaven. And you'll always remember that baby or even babies, you'll remember their birthdays and milestones in life.

From one grieving mother to another, keep your head high and don't give up.