Helping Your Family Heal After Miscarriage

 

Miscarriage is a significant loss.

Photo credit to Getty Images/iStockphoto

It is normal and natural to hurt deeply after miscarriage.

While others may imply or outright tell you that miscarriage happens too early on for you to be attached to the baby, or that miscarriage is so common it's nothing to get upset about, or that you should focus on getting pregnant again instead of being sad about what happened, you know that miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy often feel like profound losses.

Your grief is real. Your grief is justified. And the depth of your grief has less to do with the number of weeks that you were pregnant and more to do with the attachment you felt to this developing baby or the ideas of your future with a child. The more you wanted this baby, the more invested you were in your hopes and dreams for a child, the more painful your grief journey will likely be.

Love plus loss equals grief. If you wanted and loved this baby, of course, you grieve. And now you must mourn. 

Many share your pain...

As many as half of all pregnancies end in miscarriage-many before the woman has missed a period. Among women who know they are pregnant, the miscarriage rate is about 15 percent. This makes miscarriage a remarkably common form of loss-one that affects about a million couples each year in the United States alone. 

The term "miscarriage" covers a wide range of pregnancy loss experiences. Early miscarriage, by far the most common, is considered pregnancy loss before 12 weeks' gestation, and late miscarriage covers the time period from 12 weeks to 19 and 7/8 weeks' gestation. Beginning at 20 weeks, pregnancy loss is called stillbirth. Early pregnancy loss also includes molar pregnancy and ectopic pregnancy as well as blighted ovum.

The different types and stages of miscarriage can result in markedly different pregnancy-loss experiences for women. Late miscarriage, for example, may end with the mother delivering a baby in the hospital, while in early miscarriage (or ectopic pregnancy) there is often no baby to see. Still, the grief journey that follows miscarriage is shaped more by the depth of the love and attachment than it is by weeks' gestation or clinical terminology and diagnoses. 

The time betwixt and between

Early pregnancy may appear as a plus sign on a home pregnancy test, but other than that, it is often invisible. With very late miscarriage and stillbirth, a baby emerges. But with most miscarriages, there is a pregnancy and then no pregnancy. Oh yes, there is still love and attachment. But there will be no baby to hold and bury, no footprints to ink onto paper, no locks of hair to save, no photos to cherish. 

The mystery and invisibility of miscarriage makes it unique among significant losses. Your love for this baby-or, for some couples in early pregnancy, what may be more accurately described as your desire for a baby-was very real, but having nothing tangible to hold onto can make your loss seem that much more devastating. 

What's more, the words we use to describe miscarriage only contribute to the problem. The term "miscarriage" can be understood as implying fault on the part of the mother, as if she didn't carry the baby well enough. Similarly, "embryo" and "fetus" may be technically correct, but they don't capture the love and loss you feel. The word "baby" may or may not seem right to you, either. Some families who experience early miscarriage feel that what they have lost is not so much a baby as a feeling of hope and possibility for a child. 

So if you are feeling that your loss is not understood or recognized in our culture, or that you yourself feel unsure about what you have lost or how to talk about it, you are not alone. 

Acknowledge your loss

Acknowledging that your heart is broken is the beginning of your healing. As you experience the pain of your loss-gently opening, acknowledging, and allowing, the suffering it will diminish. In fact, the resistance to the pain can be more painful than the pain itself. As difficult as it is, you must, slowly and in doses over time, embrace the pain of your grief. As Helen Keller said, "The only way to the other side is through." 

Express your grief

Grief is the thoughts and feelings you have on the inside about the death of your baby. When you express those feelings outside of yourself, that is called mourning. Mourning is talking about miscarriage, crying, writing in a journal, making art, participating in a support group, or any activity that moves your grief from the inside to the outside. Mourning is how you heal your grief.

Be compassionate with youself

The word compassion literally means "with passion." So, self-compassion means caring for oneself "with passion." While we hope you have excellent outside support, this article is intended to help you be kind to yourself as you confront and eventually embrace your grief over your pregnancy loss. 

Many of us are hard on ourselves when we are grieving. We often have inappropriate expectations of how "well" we should be doing with our grief. We are told to "carry on," "keep your chin up," and "keep busy." Actually, when we are in grief we need to slow down, turn inward, embrace our feelings of loss, and seek and accept support.

Take good care of yourself as you grieve. Nurture yourself physically, cognitively, emotionally, socially, and spiritually.

Help each other heal

Miscarriage often affects many people. Everyone who knew about the pregnancy and had hopes and dreams for the baby's future will grieve. Parents, grandparents, children, extended family members, friends, and coworkers may all be touched by this loss. Open and honest communication is the key to healing. Talk to one another about the miscarriage. Support each other. Try not to judge each other's thoughts and feelings, but instead accept that each person's grief will be unique. 

Understand the idea of reconciliation

In the spiritual sense, you will not "recover" from the miscarriage. Your heart is broken and you are torn apart by this loss. You are not the same person today as you were before the miscarriage. 

But you can become reconciled to your loss. As you continue to express your grief openly and honestly, you will begin to heal. The sharp pangs of sorrow will soften, and the constant painful memories will subside. You will become more interested in and hopeful about the future. You will experience more happy than sad in your days. You will begin to set new goals and work toward them. You will experience life fully again. 

                                                      

Helping Your Family Heal After Miscarriage was penned by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D, for the Center of Loss of Life Transition blog "Center of Loss"

Healing Together: Helping Couples Cope with Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Early Infant Loss

  

For many couples, a miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant loss is the greatest loss they have ever experienced together. Yet, husbands and wives often feel alone in their grief. Certainly there are marriages that have been strengthened by a shared loss, but more common is the marriage that suffers under the weight and stress of mourning.

The Meaning of the Loss                     

A major task for the pregnant woman is to accept the fetus as part of herself. The well—being of her baby becomes intertwined with her own feeling of self-worth. If her baby dies (even very early in her pregnancy), her self-imagine and sense of competency may be shattered.

Since a father does not experience any physical changes during pregnancy, the early months of his wife’s pregnancy may not feel very real to him. As the pregnancy progresses, the reality of the baby becomes clearer to the father. Men tend not to experience an early miscarriage as an acutely personal loss, but they usually find a second trimester loss or stillbirth more painful because they have seen and felt physical evidence of their child.

Healing Together: Helping Couples Cope with Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Early Infant Loss was co-authored by Marcie K. Lister, ACSW and Sandra M. Lovell, RN, ACSW for the October 1990 issues of Bereavement              Magazine.

This article is several pages long and will not fit in this column, therefore, we broke the article into several pieces. In our next issue of New Horizons, we will share their next two headings: Grieving the Loss and Guilt.

 

Grief and Father's Day: Remembering Your Child

  

Father's Day, like other holidays, can be a trying time for those grieving-especially for fathers who have lost a child. While losing a loved one is never easy, losing a child is one of the most painful challenges we can face in life. The pain of loss can consume all we do, making it feel impossible to find joy. That pain can also rob us of celebrating life's happiest moments, like Father's Day, as celebrations become just another reminder of what we have lost.

Whether this is your first Father's Day following the loss of a child or if it's been years since their passing, your grief may be overpowering your joy. You may be dreading the thought of celebrating Father's Day. You may even wonder if you are allowed to celebrate Father's Day if your loss was of your only child. 

No matter how much pain you're feeling, remember that you and your family are allowed to enjoy special days while grieving. The key is finding a balance between joy and grief. 

So, this Father's Day, lead your loved ones in celebrating the paternal figures in your life and the memory of your child. Remember the positive impact you child had on you, your spouse/partner, and your other children. Here are a few ideas to help you get started.

Honor You Child's Memory

Your child's memory will be with you forever, but it can be hard to remember the good times when grief consumes all you do. Use Father's Day as an opportunity to honor your child's memory by taking part in their favorite activity. You can watch their favorite movie, eat their favorite meal, play their favorite game, or do something else they enjoyed. This intentional activity can help you feel closer to your child and make Father's Day truly special for you and your family. 

Tell Favorite Stories of Your Child

When we lose a loved one, the pain of loss can sometimes grip our ability to talk about them. That's why sharing heartfelt stories of your loved one is important. Stories can help you acknowledge the reality of the loss and move you toward healthy grieving. The same is true if you've lost a child. Share stories of your child that make you laugh, smile, or even cry. But ultimately, share stories that make you proud to be their dad. Your child touched so many lives, so embrace their impact together as a family. 

Share Your Love and Support for Your Family

Sometimes it takes losing a loved one for us to understand the importance of saying 'I love you.' Whether you say it every day or typically keep your emotions to yourself, tell your family how much they mean to you this Father's Day. Let your words speak life and support your family on their grief journey. Father's Day is the perfect time to express how much your family means to you. You can even write notes or letters to your surviving children, letting them know how much you care.

Take Time to Reflect

Spending time with your family on Father's Day is important, but you may need a few moments for yourself as you grieve the loss of your child. You'll likely feel a mix of emotions, which is perfectly normal. So, take time to reflect on your loss without distractions. Write your thoughts in a journal. Visit your child's grave. Speak to a trusted friend or mentor, if you don't want to be alone. All these options can help you take account of your emotions on what may be a difficult day. 

Make Father's Day Special

Balancing joy and grief is one of the most difficult things we can do in times of loss. Yet, finding that balance is also one of the most important things we can do to heal. You may believe that it's wrong for you to celebrate Father's Day with your family, but finding happiness through your pain is key to healthy grieving. Enjoy the time you have with your family, go out for a nice dinner, and smile as you unwrap your Father's Day gifts. Though grief never leaves us, it also should stay at the forefront of our lives forever. 

If you've experienced the horrible pain of losing a child, you know that holidays, like Father's Day, can be difficult. But find peace in knowing that your grief is proof of your intense love for your child, and that love with never fade. Instead of fearing Father's Day, use that special Sunday in June to remember all the joy your child brought you and your family. And don't forget, your child will live forever in your memory, so you'll never have to celebrate Father's Day without them. 

Grief and Father's Day: Remembering Your Child was penned for funeralbasics.org, a website designed with the funeral consumer in mind to provide them with quick and accurate information. 

Sleeping Angels: When Miracles Become Memories

  

"But burying infants, we bury the future, unwieldly and unknown, full of promise and possibilities, outcomes punctuated by our rosy hopes..."

It is the loss that no one ever expects-the sudden loss of a pregnancy. The delivery of the stillborn. The death of the infant. The grief that parents and grandparents experience with these losses are different than most. We grieve the future these little angels will never get to experience. 

On our Sleeping Angels: When Miracles Become Memories, we will share with you pieces that we feel may help you on your grief journey, that we hope will provide you help, guidance and comfort. 

Know that we are here for you, and will do everything we can to assist you.